On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers