Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Perfect
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.