I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy