*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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men, we mow at sunrise.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Monday
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…