I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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this FaceApp is creepy af
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.