a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
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I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.