I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
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I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.