This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
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Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
awkward
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?