Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
You Might Also Like
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
absolute chaos
This did not end as expected.