Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]