There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.