Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The struggle is real.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?