[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now