As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
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Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.