When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*seductively eats two tums*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: