Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod