The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
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When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
couldn’t resist
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.