Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
🏙👨🏼
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.