First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Strangers have the best candy.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
LMAO
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos