Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
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Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My dog learned how to text
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me sliding into hell like
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’d use my best pan on you.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!