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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.