My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
What even happened today?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.