I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
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[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
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[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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Mood.. 😂
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.