Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Thursday Thought.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks