When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.