*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/