Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
set yourself free xox
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.