One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*