What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.