I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..