Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
#Caturday
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
when you are just born a rebel
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME