“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
You Might Also Like
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce