If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Software Development ⛵️
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
this has to be peak English
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.