My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
You Might Also Like
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Pigeon open mic night.