Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
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Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?