Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”