me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
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Merica.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.