Labreador
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..