Become a minion. Get that bread.
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me too 😆
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
🤣✨#caturday
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage