It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
why I oughta
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.