What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
#growingpains