[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.