My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
is it earth
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Best seat on the street 😍
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.