Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.