a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.