I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*puts cutlery down*
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.