It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
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{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.