Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
That time Alicia messaged me
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on