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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
much to think about
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.