Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
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When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
what the
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
everyone has that one prude friend
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.